Rust on my Heart

Mom in the middle of cleaning rust out of my shower.

I lived in the back of a pole barn on a kind family's property. The apartment was perfect for one person: a bedroom, a standing shower bathroom, an open concept for kitchen and living area. I enjoyed living in this space, but there were two downsides. First, quarter-sized spiders haunted my sanity and my floors. I spied one, I'd scream, I'd grab my smashing spider flip-flop, and flopped the spiders to death (I apologize to any spider lovers who may read this portion). Silver lining: little spiders still made me jump, but I no longer squealed. Secondly, the rust from the well water was ridiculously sneaky. The rust tended to rule over my shower, sinks, and me if left untended.

Mom knew I had a problem with rust and staying on top of the cleaning. She would often offer to come over and help me clean, but I would turn her down. Why? I was embarrassed of how far the rust had gone and how messy I allowed my apartment to become. Mom was a 'professional' cleaner - she cleaned people's homes and a nursing home before she retired. She knew her stuff. Plus, if my mom came to my disastrous apartment, I'd feel like a failure as an adult. I didn't want Mom to see the rust, yet I didn't do anything to address the stains on my own. The rust continued to rule.

Sin - any time I chose my way or will over God's way or will - was like rust on my shower walls and sinks. If I didn't stay on top of it (surrendering, seeking and accepting the Lord's forgiveness), the rust creeped onto my heart until it ruled with burnt orange stains. I'd try to 'scrub' my own heart, but my self-cleaning always failed - the rust continued to darken my heart.

Mom called me one day and said she would be coming over to help me clean my apartment on a Saturday morning. I cringed. I really didn't want to expose how bad the rust was to my mom, yet I admitted I was available Saturday morning. I had a split-second thought: maybe I should start cleaning the shower on Friday after work in hopes the rust would be less intimidating. I didn't. Mom arrived Saturday morning. She told me to put her anywhere as she was there to help. I gave her a sly look. Only I would know which article of clothing was clean or needed to be thrown out, so that would leave her to do. . . She gave me a look of 'you've got to be kidding me.' I sheepishly smiled and scrunched my shoulders up to my ears. Mom playfully sighed and went to work on my rusty shower.

Mom commented on the shower, "You know, honey, this isn't that bad. If you would keep on top of the cleaning, it wouldn't take you long at all."

I knew my mom said this concerning the rust on my shower walls, yet I heard the Lord say, You know, Jana, this rust, the amount of sin on your heart isn't that bad. If you would seek Me sooner rather than later to address the issues, the process wouldn't take us long at all.

Whoa.

Sometimes a tempting thought to watch pornography would flit through my mind, and I had the choice to either accept or reject. More times than not I used to accept - orange stains darkened my heart - and then I'd follow the groundhog's hole down into the tangled tunnels of perversity. My head resurfaced, and I was hit with shame and frustration. I vigorously scrubbed my rusty heart with no success, and only then did I dejectedly turn to the Lord. This cycle repeated, but did it have to be the same track over and over?

What if the Lord was right? What if I started with Lord first instead of waiting until the end? What would those scenarios look like? Instead of temptation leading a rust-stained heart and scrubbing out of frustration and shame, with no lasting change, could there be a different track?

• A thought to watch pornography entered my mind. Response: reject the tempting thought and turn to the Lord for help. Replace tempting thoughts with thoughts of whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, and commendable (Philippians 4:8-9).

• I chose to watch pornography instead of rejecting the thought. Response: immediately turn to the Lord despite feeling shame and frustration with myself. Repent of my actions; receive the Lord's forgiveness; replace the lie I was stuck in the porn cycle with the truth I was a new creation through Jesus Christ 9the old was gone and the new was present - 2 Corinthians 5:17-21); rebuke the enemy's attempt to trip me up.

The Lord was right just like my mom was right about cleaning the rust off my shower and sinks immediately when any signs of light orange appeared. The sooner I turned to the Lord instead of relying on myself, the quicker my heart turned rust-free!