Night Owl Running

God created owls with strengths and weaknesses. An owl's strengths are its sharp eyes and hearing, which are both utilized for hunting.

Imagine: a night owl is in a tree listening and watching. A leaf crinkles and the owl zeros in on a field mouse. With wings spread wide, the owl swoops down and pins the mouse to the ground for a midnight snack. What if an owl chose to run - not one of its strengths - after its prey? A running owl may look cute, but the hunt would be ineffective because the Lord did not create the owl to hunt with its legs but by watching, listening, and swooping. Not all owls operate through their strengths. A special night owl does exist who would rather run - though futile - than confront her fears and frustration.

I was a night owl, but I didn't realize I was running until one Sunday night during worship at church. While down on my face before the Lord, I heard Him whisper through my thoughts, You are running. Really? I didn't feel like I was, but if He said it, then what was He seeing that I wasn't?

I went home after church, and I analyzed my life routine and found similar habits I used when I had a porn addiction. The red flags I found for my running: binge watched TV until early the next morning; lost sleep while scrolling through Reels; ignored chores and self-care; ceased conversing daily with the Lord and reading His Word, and I felt empty. He was right. I was running. Why? What was I running from? After listening to my heart, I found three sources: Fear to step forth and leave my season of healing and rest, Fear to be vulnerable in my blog posts, and Frustration towards the Lord for an unfulfilled promise.

I chose to run instead of addressing the three "Fs."

A week after the revelation, I thought I was ready to unravel each F, so I entered a conversation with the Lord in my mind.

I asked, "Where do You want me to begin?"

He directed, Tell Me about your frustration.

I said, "I'm frustrated with You. In Junior High I asked to meet Chase (a name the Lord gave me to refer to my future husband) through You - what a bold and dangerous ask. You said You would, yet I am thirty-five and still single! Should I have asked for a smaller request? Was this an impossible request to fulfill?

"I wanted to experience 'young love,' but I don't feel 'young' anymore. My hair is turning grey, I have wrinkles forming in my skin, and I feel my body aging. I don't know my allotted time on this earth, but each day passing is one less with Chase. Time is waltzing away as I watch others find love.

"Where is the fulfillment of Your promise? Will you bring him when I'm eighty years old?! Were both the dreams and interpretations of Chase a fluke? Is Chase an imaginary man I created? I feel like You've forgotten me and the promise. I know in my mind You are good, and You have not forgotten me, but my heart feels differently. I'm weary of holding on to hope and I want to give up, to let go, to stop clinging to You for Chase. If I did what I felt, where does that leave me?"

I didn't stick around to hear His response.

I experienced the emotion frustration but never towards the Lord. He's been my strong fortress, but this frustration made Him feel like an earthquake - unstable and untrustworthy. I didn't like feeling this way towards Him. I ran and closed the door to my heart on Him.

My running led me to old habits to numb my mind and my heart. Life felt stagnant. I eventually became tired of running, so I cracked open the door for Him. I was willing to listen.

The conversation unraveled in my mind.

He whispered, Talk to Me, Hephzabah (a renaming He gave me which means 'The One He delights in').

I sighed, "First - I feel ridiculous. As a youngen, I asked to meet Chase through You - what a cool story. I didn't know how to wait for You to fulfill Your Chase promise, so like Sarah with the promise of Isaac, I took the matter into my own hands. I sought Chase online. I didn't find him, but I did find sexual conversations and a porn addiction.

"When You delivered me from both the addiction and lies, I chose to wait on You for the fulfillment. I watched Time play Merry-Go-Round around the clock and the seasons fade in and out as if to tease me with a game of peek-a-boo. My body changes, and I now have fears whether Chase will find me unattractive and unable to bear children.

"My family and friends ask for updates about Chase, and I have nothing to share. They ask how I am, and I thought I was content, trusting You and Your timing. My heart is weary in the waiting. My hope in Your promise is quaking. I don't want to feel frustrated; I don't want to lose hope and trust in You.

"Second - I'm afraid to step forth and leave my season of healing and rest. I don't want to write my heart - my vulnerability - on a blog. The blog contains an additional weight of honesty and responsibility, and I don't know if I have the mental muscle to hold, to wield, to honor You. I'm afraid to accept what You want to give me through the blog. Silly, I know. You give good gifts, yet I don't want to face this truth about myself. Sacrificing pieces of myself is difficult and painful while running away seemed easier.

"Now I see how my running away was only numbing the wounds of fears and frustration and not healing. Running was like the Titanic attempting to go around the exposed iceberg, unaware of the thick ice hidden under the water. I ran like Jonah tried to escape from Your calling to deliver a message to the Ninevites and a big fish swallowed him. Despite my running, You pursued me - I could go nowhere to escape Your tap on my heart.

"I choose to stop running. Will You please forgive me for running away from both the fears and frustration? I choose to surrender both to You. You are trustworthy. Will You forgive me for turning to old habits instead of seeking You?"

He tenderly said, Yes, Hephzabah.

I said, "Thank You for Your kindness. What do You want to say to the fears and frustration?"

Thank you for choosing to express both your fears and frustration to Me. I see and hear you. I admire your faithfulness, and I treasure your trust in Me. You have patiently waited for Me to fulfill the Chase promise. Keep your eyes on Me. Stop comparing your love life with those around you. Their story is not your story.

I stopped listening and ran, again.

When I ran out of steam, I turned back to the Lord and pleaded, "Sorry. Please capture me and stop my running. I want to wait and watch You. I want to press into Your heart. What is Your perspective on the fears and frustration?"

The Lord graciously said, I see you, Hephzabah, and I understand your frustration. I have not forgotten the Chase promise I made to you. You can let go of the frustration and pick up hope. Trust Me. Chase is real and he's coming for you. Trust Me and not the world's timeline.

You are brave and bold. I did not create you to be skittish in the shadows. I gave you boldness and transparency to speak what needs to be spoken and written. Vulnerability is your strength, the light in the dark. Your time in the shade - healing and rest season - is over. Step forth into the sun and bare all. Hide nothing from Me. Watch how I will show up. You will not stand alone in the sunlight. Trust Me.

I said, "Thank You for Your pure words. Will Chase still find me attractive though I'm not the younger version?"

The Lord enlightened me, Beauty is not in 'youth' but what resides in your mind and heart. Your value is not staked in your age or accomplishments. You are beautiful and valued because I say you are. You have My image and My value, Daughter; Chase will find you beautiful.

I asked, "What if I'm too old to have kids?"

He laughed, Sarah thought she was too old too, yet I fulfilled My promise to Abraham, and she gave birth to Isaac in her old age. I know your body. You do not do life alone for I am with you. Age is just a number. Stop focusing on time and the young moms around you. Your story is not their story.

I said, "Forgive me for comparing and allowing the fears and frustration dictate how I respond to You. I believe Your words for my identity, and I choose to step forth into the light with You. May my words honor You and draw others near to Your heart. I believe You will fulfill the Chase promise."

Although nature's night owls automatically operate out of their strengths, this special owl had to consciously choose to move in her strengths instead of her weaknesses not always the easiest habit but necessary for growth and health. Thankfully the Lord knows this night owl was still a night owl but no longer running. She was practicing to watch, to listen, and eventually to swoop.